A spoonful of sugar
by emletish
Summary: ...helps the medicine go down. Or so Ursa thought. But she has just taken a job as nanny to the Bei Fong's mysterious daughter. She discovers that when dealing with Toph Bei Fong - a giant heap of sugar is a more appropriate measurement. The tale of Ursa after the firenation and Toph before she was an earth bending master, told in a series of drabbles. fits with stalking universe
1. bones

_I need this job, I need this job, I need this job _– Ursa repeats this to herself, in her head through-out the final interview process and it helps her keep her mask of polite submission firmly in place. Being submissive is made easier because Poppy Bei Fong has no real harm in her. Though Ursa finds her to be a woman of weak constitution and character, she does not seem at all vicious. Poppy's worst fault is that she seems so naïve. Even after years of marriage – she is not bitter and speaks fondly of her husband. It is the **oddest thing** Ursa has ever seen – and she has seen a two headed Koalasheep.

The Bei Fongs are in desperate need of a nanny. The last three nannies all quit in an untimely fashion – because they were _unsuitable,_ according to Poppy. Ursa needs a place to hide and a job to support herself. It's just for now, she tells herself. Until she can figure out her next move.

Ursa doesn't need to be a servant. She has other skills. These skills, however, are not, strictly speaking, legal. But she is good at them. A little_ too good_ she sometimes thinks. A few carefully chosen ingredients, ground up and then a sudden massive stroke that looked completely natural. Her hand didn't shake in the slightest when she added that delicate powder to the old man's tea. She hadn't hesitated at all – and this lack of hesitation bothers her now. Ursa did not want to think of herself as a ruthless person.

She could make much more money, using those skills. But Ursa did not think it was worth it in the end. As soon as you started thinking it was easy, you forgot what it really cost. So Ursa was going to be a nanny instead. A common household servant. One of thousands of common household servants. She will get the anonymity she has been searching for here.

This will do nicely. Largish, but relatively insignificant town. A live-in position. Easy work... after all, how much trouble can one sickly, six-year-old girl be? Ursa has not yet met Toph, but Poppy has assured her that her daughter is mild mannered and well behaved. Ursa would not mind how she behaved, not really. A small selfish part of Ursa just wants to hold a child in her arms again and to be needed. She misses the way childred need - simply and with meaning.

Even if it is all pretend, it might make the clenched knots in her stomach loosen. Ursa's stomach feels like it is in so many knots that she'll never be full again. She can taste how much she misses her children.

She can feel their absence in her very bones.

-o-

Small notes: I also subscribe to the Ursa = master poisoner theory.


	2. salt

Toph, wily and quick, fingered the salt shaker in her sleeve. A little something for the new nanny. This worked a treat on Nanny 3. The last one before this one. The stern one. To Toph, there is nothing in the world quite so delicious as hearing a previously stern nanny just **blow her top and lose it**. When she cracked, she cracked with gusto.

All of Toph's regular misbehaviour had not bothered Nanny 3. In fact, Nanny 3 and administered Toph her first ever spanking – with some alacrity. (Though when her mother found out she had been quite cross- and then Nanny 3 got a scolding. Hearing her mother shout at Nanny 3 on her behalf almost made her sore bottom worth it. Almost.)

Nanny 3 was not fired however, as she was so clever and had so many accomplishments and so many glowing references. She clung onto the job like a barnacle. Toph had to diversify her tricks. Little subtle things. But for some reason it was the salt that pushed Nanny 3 over the edge. Toph started carrying around the salt shaker with her and would add it to Nanny's tea, toast, dumplings, snacks...until eventually she was adding it at every meal. Toph was not sure how she could tell when Nanny wasn't looking, but someone she could just_ sense _when to shoot her little hand out, just so.

At first, Nanny complained to her mother – but mother was quite perplexed by the whole thing. No one else had ever complained about the saltiness of their food. Mother had the same thing for lunch and it had been fine. Nanny would protest that, _really,_ everything was **unreasonably salty.** Mother would say something non-committal about having a word to the chef and would then go to a tea ceremony.

Toph had still not been caught red-handed by Nanny 3, but Nanny 3 had her suspicions all the same. These suspicions also got voiced to her Mother. It actually made mother laugh – and Toph had heard that so seldom that it really startled her. "My daughter? Add salt to your food? What a brilliant joke!" Nanny 3 protested that she was not joking and she had cause to assume that Toph must be adding salt to her plate when her back was turned. Mother chortled again, like Nanny 3 was the most exceptional comedian. "Oh Nanny – My dear daughter is blind! How could she even _see _your plate?" (this was one of the rare occassions that Toph felt grateful for the fact that her mother thought that her blindness made her incapable of nearly... well, everything). Nanny 3 got most indignant, mother chortled some more and Toph slipped under the garden table to feel the earth.

She was never allowed outside unsupervised – but the conversation between Nanny and her Mother had distracted them both, and this allowed Toph a rare occasion to go and play in the dirt for a few minutes...until someone noticed that is. She liked teh feel of earth under her hands.

Nanny** lost it** the day that she finally caught Toph, poised above her soup, salt shaker in hand. Her guilt was undeniable. Nanny had shrieked "I knew it!" with a great deal of vindication. Then she declared " You impudent little monkey! You will get such a slap!" Toph, sensing that she _really would_ get such a slap, did the sensible thing and ran for it. She gave Nanny a good chase. Nanny began throwing various play room toys at Toph, in an ineffectual effort to trip her up. All was chaos! This was the scene that an astonished mother walked in on.

Nanny 3 had shrieked about Toph's guilt and how she was right all along. But the salt had been abandoned at the table along with the ruins of lunch. Mother made the noise she made when she was very cross. It sounded like bees buzzing. Mother took Nanny 3 outside. They had a conversation that was "for grown-ups only." Nanny 3 never came back to the playroom.

But mother did. She came and sat by Toph and stroked her hair and said she was sorry. Toph was confused. Mother said that she was sorry that she had given Toph such a Nanny. Really, all that complaining about the salt should have been taken as a red flag. The woman seemed rather _unhinged. _

-o-

The intervening days between nannies had passed in a mother filled dream. Mother did not want Toph's education neglected, so she tried to teach Toph accomplishments. Toph just loved spending time with her mother. Mother was much better than any Nanny.

But Toph tired her mother out. Mother did not seem to enjoy the Toph filled days as much as Toph enjoyed the Mother filled days. Mother said it wasn't Toph's fault, but she was tired, sore and just plain old worn out. She couldn't keep up. She wanted a rest.

She had to find another Nanny for Toph. Toph understood that, didn't she?

-o-

The first thing Toph knew for certain about Nanny 4 was that she was _tall. _

The second thing was that she was _sneaky._

Mother brought Nanny 4 over. Toph could tell, but she couldn't tell how she could tell, that Nanny 4 was an** enormous mooselion of a person** compared to mother, who seemed like a dainty little peacock-sparrow in comparison. They sat together, and mother started talking about Toph's condition and Toph's needs and Toph's woeful lack of accomplishments. It hurt Toph's feelings when mother talked like this. But she had learned not to show it.

Instead, Toph waited until the adults were perusing what must have been an awful attempt at embroidery- Mother described it as such, and clicked her tongue in a displeased manner. (Nanny 2 had tried to teach Toph – but had given up after one lesson). It was then that Toph struck, and did her little trick with the salt. She waited in anticipation, while Nanny 4 sipped. But Nanny 4 did not comment at all.

Odd.

Toph was sure she had gotten it in the cup, but Nanny 4 gave no indication that she was drinking the world's saltiest cup of tea. Instead Nanny sipped again and conversation moved on to music. Nanny tried to involve Toph in the conversation. She asked Toph what sort of music she liked. This was a first for Toph. Toph didn't even know that there were different sorts of music. The previous nannies had just started teaching her what she 'ought to know.' Toph muttered a non-committal response and took a sip of her tea...and nearly spat it right out again.

**Pepper!**

Nanny asked, in a voice that sounded kind...but also sounded like it contained some kind of dare, "How do you like your tea, Miss?" This was the thing that alerted Toph to the fact that this Nanny was _sneaky!_

-o-

notes: height bending aside, the FN people seem, on average, taller compared to the people of the EK and WT. It seems like a national/ethnic charcteristic of the FN people. Also Poppy and Toph both seem very petite, even by EK standards. So Ursa is not some sort of giantess. She's just average firenation height and is standing next to Poppy, who is a tiny lady to begin with.


	3. firewood

Ursa looked at the list of accomplishments that Poppy had so kindly written out. The scroll was nearly as tall as Ursa. It fell to just above her toes, when she unravelled it wholly. The list was full, not just of the things Poppy wished for Toph to be able to do, but of Poppy's hopes and dreams for her daughter...though some of these hopes and dreams were a little unrealistic. Ability aside, Toph just did not seem like the type of girl who would even _want_ to embroider a tapestry.

Ursa could see _no sense_ in trying to force the girl into doing something she would hate – just because it was ladylike. Just because a child was a girl and would grow into a lady – didn't mean that you had to _force her_ to be ladylike. In fact, in Ursa's experience, any attempt at forcing a girl to be other than what she was- would always be met with fierce resistance of some kind. _Oh Azula. I even miss fighting with you over the flute! _ Agni, Ursa had learned that lesson **the hard way. **Poppy however, still had all the messy, frustrating battle of wills and flutes ahead of her...well not ahead of her exactly. Poppy seemed determined to have all the Nannies plunge head first into the fray.

Toph did not openly rebel against her mother at all, but Ursa could see a spirited spark of rebellion in her. The girl was obviously quick, clever and devious. Ursa understood devious little girls. Ursa was saddened by the fact that Poppy saw no future for her daughter aside from making a _good match_ (hence the need for the indefatigable list of accomplishments). Ursa didn't think highly of "good matches" herself.

Suddenly, completely unbidden, Ursa hears her own mother's voice, echoing down through the years. _Such a good match for you. He's a prince to boot. I knew you could not be __**so beautiful**__ for nothing. _But what had it all been for really? So that she could land a fine-looking and wealthy husband? That constant pursuit of excellence and accomplishment seemed to serve no other purpose.

It seemed so farcical and ridiculous to her now. Teaching a girl how to attract a husband – but not all the skills she would need to survive a husband was stupid and pointless. It was like polishing firewood.

Ursa rolled up the scroll and stashed it in the back of the set of drawers in her room, thinking all the while_ thank you for the suggestions Poppy – but I shall teach Toph to be a lady in my own way. _


	4. music

Toph is a tiny tower of stubbornness – with her arms crossed and her face full of thunder. This new nanny cannot **make her **play the flute. No previous nanny has ever succeeded. But the new nanny was very different from Nannies past.

The new nanny did not even try to make her.

The new nanny did not even try and stop her when she threw an enormous tantrum.

Previously whenever Toph threw a tantrum, there would be much ado. All manner of fuss would ensue and eventually Toph always got her way. Toph would gauge how long it would take the Nannies to crack by how long they withstood the tantrum before they gave in to her demands.

But Nanny 4 just sat there, calmly sipping tea, while Toph screamed and stamped with all her might.

Nanny's nonchalance was confusing and infuriating and made Toph scream and stamp all the more. Eventually Toph found that she had screamed and stamped herself hoarse. She was exhausted and rolled over and lay flat on her back. (at one point during the tantrum, Toph had thrown herself on the ground and it became a two hands and two feet style tantrum). While Toph lay panting, Nanny asked casually if Toph _felt better _– after getting her tantrum out of her system. Toph stuck her tongue out at Nanny.

Nanny said that she just wanted Toph to know that she did not respond to tantrums – she had seen too many tantrums to be bothered by them now. Toph would not get her own way with Nanny by screeching and stamping her foot. But Toph could get her own way by being reasonable. If Toph could calmly explain to Nanny what she found so objectionable about the flute- then Nanny would consider other instruments for Toph.

Toph had never really been asked this question (even though she had hated the flute for as long as they had been trying to teach her.) she racked her brains for legitimate reasons. The biggest was that the flute just didn't make the sort of noises Toph liked. It sounded tinny and all the songs that the previous nannies had tried to teach her were insipid ballads.

Toph said all this to Nanny. Nanny said "hmm" in response. Then Nanny said that she had an idea. She took Toph's hand and they walked for a few meters. Then she put Toph's hands on some taut strings. Nanny told Toph to pluck at them. Toph did so and was most astonished at the sound. It was deep and melodious and she could even _feel_ it in the string. Nanny said that was a good thing.

Music was meant to be felt.


	5. lies

Toph and Ursa are sitting out in the garden, playing their instruments, in the warm sunshine of late spring. Even though Ursa is not, strictly speaking, allowed to take Toph outside – it is such a beautiful day that it almost seems like cruel and unusual punishment to keep the girl indoors. Poppy is constantly worried for Toph's health and feels like too much time outside would 'overtire' Toph. Ursa mentioned children liking sunshine, but this is not an issue according to Poppy. Poppy thinks that, because of Toph's blindness, she cannot tell whether she is inside or outside and sunshine will make no difference to her daughter.

Ursa knows this to be untrue.

In some ways Toph reminds her of the sunpoppies that grew around the holiday house at Ember Island (that house was the only perk of being royalty that Ursa had actually enjoyed). Toph just _blossoms _in the sun. Indoors, she wilts, like so many other doomed houseplants. Ursa does not think that Toph is meant to be a decorative orchid, confided to a ladies tearoom.

Ursa is beginning to think that Toph made of much hardier stuff than that.

She is certainly not as weak and sickly as her mother seems to think. Toph plays the feeble cripple very well in front of her parents. She seems like an entirely different girl with them. Meek and mild and polite. But when Toph and Ursa are alone, Ursa often had to confront stubbornness more forbidding than the walls of Ba Sing Se and an iron-will firmer than dragon steel.

Ursa has not made mention of this second Toph, this wily and dangerous and strident Toph, to Poppy. But it is no longer surprising that Poppy seems to think that all the previous nannies were somewhat _touched in the head_ – from the way that they complained about Toph. Poppy has only seen Toph as a tranquil and obedient girl, tragically crippled. She clings to this image of Toph as hard as Toph clings to the role of the dutiful daughter.

Ursa is trying to find the reason for such an elaborate deception on Toph's part. The girl is incredibly clever, but she is not overly dishonest. She is a little mischievous, very sneaky in her pranks, and deceptive in her smile, but she's not a liar. She is blunt to the point of rudeness when she is alone with Ursa. She remarked the other day, over lunch, that Ursa was getting fat...with no seeming comprehension of why this was an inappropriate thing to say. Ursa knows that Toph has her reasons for the ruse, but those reasons are unfathomable, at present. Ursa is hoping that a little time outside will make Toph more amenable to opening up about this subject.

She lets Toph take off her shoes and wiggle her toes in the grass. This is another thing that is not strictly allowed. But Toph's face is so delighted that Ursa can't understand why Poppy would want to deprive her daughter of such a simple and beautiful pleasure.

Ursa gently prods and prompts Toph with small probing questions. But Toph isn't having it. Not today. Ursa knows that she will have to try a different tack and be a little more patient. Zuko used to be like this too. All bottled up. Secrets hidden like treasures. But he used to just cross his arms and refuse to talk about it. Toph is a master of evasive manoeuvres.

Toph changes the conversation to music, which is what they are meant to be learning. Ursa feels compelled to answer her questions on this subject. Toph sounds genuinely curious when she asks Ursa, "Nanny, what is your favourite instrument?"

Ursa replies "the tsungi horn" automatically. There is only one answer to that question.

Toph has never encountered a tsungi horn, to Ursa's knowlegde. For a brief moment Ursa thinks that the girl will ask her about that – as she showed great interest in all things related to percussion the other day. But instead Toph surprises Ursa completely and asks, with her characteristic bluntness,

"Nanny, why are you sad?"

_Why was Ursa sad? _

Oh, where to begin little Toph?

But they had now strayed into Ursa's secret territory. The things that she couldn't talk about. Her carefully guarded secrets would remain hidden, safe from prying eyes. She clears her throat and says as evenly as she can, "I'm not sad Toph".

Toph's face is confused for a second, but then she says softly, "I think you're lying."


	6. stories

0o0o0o0o0o

bed time stories

0o0o0o0o0

If someone were to ask Toph what she liked most about Nanny; it would have been the stories. Of course, no one would ask Toph such a thing – because no one really asked Toph much in general, aside from Nanny.

This was the second thing that Toph liked most. Mother and Father told Toph what she ought to think and cook told Toph what she ought to eat and the steady stream of nannies that came before Nanny - well they all told Toph, day in and day out, what she should do and what she should say.

This Nanny was different. _What instrument do you want to play today? What do you want for lunch – I'll tell cook to make it up. Feel both of these dresses and tell me which one you want to wear. That flower that your touching is a tuber-rose, that other one is a spotted orchid – smell them both and tell which you prefer. _At first Toph hadn't known how to answer – given such a direct choice. She would shrug and feign indifference, but Nanny would always insist that Toph had to choose.

Nanny always wanted to know what Toph thought and wanted and felt. It was weird at first, because Toph wasn't really used to giving so many opinions verbally. She was infinitely mold-able, like the dough she and Nanny had played with. She had sat where her parents told her, ate what was put in front of her and let herself be dressed in whatever someone else saw fit to dress her in.

Because of Nanny, Toph had decided that she liked the green apples over red, jasmine tea over green, dumplings over dim sims. She preferred the smell of orchids, she liked the feel of roses. She had a favourite book, and a favourite number and a favourite dress.

And if Nanny were to ask what Toph's favourite thing about Nanny was (though of course Nanny would never ask such a thing) Toph would have said the stories. Father was always too busy and mother was always too tired to read her stories. But when Nanny read to her, it was wonderful.

Every night, unless Toph had been really, really naughty (like visiting the naughty-step three times naughty) Nanny would read her a story. Nanny would sit with Toph in bed and read out fantastical adventures and sweet love stories and daring quests. She would **do the voices** and it would sound like she **really was **_Jin the dragon-rider_ or _Haru, the sweet hearted explorer _or _Rei Hei, the bandit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor. _

Rei Hei was Toph's favourite. Toph had ill adivsedly declared that she wanted to be **a bandit **when she grew up, in her mother's presence. This had led to an **awkward conversation** between Nanny and Mother, but Toph was pretty sure that Nanny won. That night Toph curled up with Nanny to the adventures of Rei Hei again. After Nanny had closed the book and tucked Toph in, Toph couldn't help but ask "Do you think I could be a bandit when I grow up Nanny?"

"I think you could be _anything you want to be_ Toph." Nanny replied firmly. Nanny was always saying things like that. The fact that she thought Toph could do anything – well that was Toph's third favourite thing.


	7. basalt

Ursa had never expected Toph to take to rocks with such an intense passion.

It all started when Ursa was trying to teach Toph about the different regions of the earth kingdom. Ursa, due to her firenation education, didn't know that much about the varying cultures and other sorts of differences between the regions. The only think she knew was what raw minerals each region produced (the raw minerals were what the firenation was after, most of the time.) Mica from Taku, sandstone from Chin, basalt from the prophecy land (it sounded mystical, but it was really just named after the vast number of retired and/or senile soothsayers who had chosen to make that region their home and shout prophecies at passerbys.)

Toph's blindness made some lessons more difficult – Ursa was always trying creative ways to teach the girl, ways to show her things even if she couldn't see them. All rocks felt different. Ursa could get her a selection and let her feel them and touch them. It might make explaining the regions easier.

Ursa told Poppy her idea. Poppy was quite taken with it. Indeed, Ursa had lasted three months longer than any other Nanny and Poppy was quite taken with most of her ideas for Toph. Ursa had been able to successfully teach Toph how to play some simple songs on a few different instruments. This was hailed as some sort of impossible feat and for a brief, shining period, everything that Ursa suggested was treated as if it was a decree from the Earth King.

Poppy gave Ursa some coins and on her next day off, Ursa purchased all the materials. Not just raw materials, but semi-precious stones as well. The next day, she placed them one by one in Toph's hands and the girls eyes were alight with joy. She'd run her fingers over the rocks and weighed them and held them against her face and generally acted like they were the best toy she had ever been given. Toph didn't listen to a single thing about geography, she was so entranced in the rocks. Eventually Ursa abandoned geography and just taught Toph about the rocks, as this was what seemed to interest her most. Ursa knew a lot more about volcanic minerals (for obvious reasons) but she had enough basic knowledge of everything else.

Toph held a lump of basalt in her hands with something like awe. She placed it on the far side of the carpet. She then started lining up the rocks in some strange order that made sense to her. Ursa asked her what she was doing and she said that she was lining them up in order of age. The Basalt at the end was the oldest. It felt like it had come from before the start of time, according to Toph.

"You can feel how old the rocks are? Just by holding them?" Ursa couldn't help but ask with real curiosity.

"of course" Toph said with a shrug and then she tilted her head in slight confusion, "Can't everybody else?" she questioned.

Ursa said that it was quite an unusual skill and Toph was obviously a **very clever girl** to be able to do that. Toph beamed in response. She didn't often get told that she was clever by her parents. Mostly they had felt that Toph's blindness made what Ursa referred to as "proper education" (literature, maths, science and geography) impossible for their daughter. But because Toph behaved so well for Ursa, Poppy was willing to let her try.

Toph played with the rocks all day and well into the night and threw a small tantrum when Ursa insisted that it really was bedtime. Upon the tantrum, Ursa had been forced to put Toph on the naughty step.

Bedtime became a big procession of rebellion.

Ursa had to read three stories. Toph was normally good for Ursa when she read to her. Ursa did all the voices and Toph would snuggle up to her. Normally it only took one story, but tonight the thought of the rocks, waiting in the other room, kept Toph very distracted.

Ursa then had to food bribe Toph with dumplings and hot milk (both of which normally had a soporific effect on the girl.) Eventually, Ursa caved and allowed Toph to take a rock to bed to snuggle with, in lieu of fluffymuffykins (the stuffed platypusbear she normally slept with) after getting Toph to swear that this would be their little secret. Ursa knew that Poppy didn't mind Toph playing with rocks for lessons – but she would certainly object to such a bed mate.

When Toph was finally asleep, Ursa packed up the rocks in the nursery. She placed them back into their boxes, one by one. Slowly she began to notice that all of the rocks had suddenly and mysteriously become smooth. All their hard edges were buffed away. Some of them had been very coarse when she gave them to Toph, but now they had been nearly polished.

Ursa ran her hands over the smooth surface in curiosity.

There was only one logical explanation.

Ursa glanced at Toph, her mind whirring with possiblities. She left the rocks out. She was going to try a few things with Toph tomorrow. Just to check.


	8. picnic

This morning Mother and Father had left for some fancy weekend-long party. It was good for Father's business to go. Father wanted to bring mother along. Now that they had competent help who could stay and look after Toph, Mother was delighted to accompany Father.

_It's just for three days sweetheart, you wont even have time to miss us. _

Toph always got left behind for these events . She never got to go to any events because she wasn't meant to exist, was she? She didn't mind so much this time, because now she was left behind with Nanny and Nanny was fun. (Nanny had been letting Toph play with all different rocks for weeks now). But it still made her a bit sad – to always be left behind.

Nanny said they could have a little picnic as a special treat. Toph wasn't really allowed to go on picnics. They were apparently vulgar, according to mother – to sit on the ground and eat food with your hands was something that only ill-educated peasants did.

Perhaps Nanny actually was an ill-educated peasant, because it appeared that no one had ever told her that picnics were vulgar. (and Toph wasn't going to be the first one to say such a thing).

Nanny had such enthusiasm for the picnic – and Toph didn't want to ruin it for her. Nanny packed them a small hamper, and a blanket and they strolled right through the gardens, and into the little wooded area at the very back. Hardly anyone ever came here.

Toph herself had only been once; when her mother had told her that Toph made her_ too tired_ and they had to get_ another Nanny_. Toph had thought it was the worst thing in the world then, before she had actually met Nanny. There had been a small hole in the fence near here – and she had slipped through it quicker than a flash and escaped for the afternoon. She had found the badgermoles, her bending and a small slice of freedom.

Toph felt the wall now. The crack she'd slipped through all those months ago had been filled in.

Nanny had set up the picnic and called her over. Toph ate with her bare hands, and took off her shoes and ran her bare-feet through the grass.

Nanny started to act weird. She got up and went for a quick walk around the edge of the woods, before coming back and sitting down and clearing her throat in a portentous manner. She asked if she could talk to Toph about something important.

Toph was instantly attentive. Whenever someone said that they had to tell you about something important in that tone of voice, you knew what was coming would be big.

Nanny explained, in oddly hesitant language, that she had come to the conclusion that Toph must be an earthbender. Nanny had made Toph play many games with the rocks recently, in an attempt to test her hypothesis. She had noticed Toph's tendency to make rough rocks smooth, and smooth rocks rough – only earthbenders could do that. Nanny was now certain that Toph must have earthbending potential... How did Toph feel about that?

Toph felt like laughing and crying and breaking something and hugging Nanny all at the same time. She didn't know why she felt the urge to hug the woman who was surely about to bring her terribly unstuck.

Of course Toph knew she was a bender – she wasn't a hopeless idiot.

She was just very good at pretending to be one.

Earthbending had been her most precious secret – she had never told a soul about the badgermoles. She thought she had hidden her talent from everyone. She thought no one had noticed that anything was different about her when she came back from the caves the day she ran away. (Well they noticed that her dress was muddy and her hair was a fright and that had taken up all their attention.) but Nanny noticed her.

Nanny always noticed her.

Toph had hidden her bending deep down inside her. She had hidden it so well that no one had ever guessed anything until this point. She knew her parents would hate it. Earthbending was a peasant art – no Bei Fong had ever sullied their hands with bending.

Also Toph was still young enough for foot-binding. If she was strong enough to bend like a common peasant, then surely her parents would think that she would be able to withstand the binding procedure. Toph's apparent weakness and frailty was why they had decided against binding her feet in the first place. Girls died of infections from the procedure frequently. Despite how much it would improve Toph's chances of making a good match, her mother had decided against it because of the risks to Toph's health (after Toph had taken to "fainting" repeatedly in her mother's presence).

Toph felt a desperate sort of panic – would Nanny tell her parents?

Nanny was very quick to assuage Toph. She calmed Toph and got her to take big, deep, calming breaths (Toph had been breathing breathing quick and shallow in her panic). Nanny assured her that if she wanted her bending kept secret, then Nanny would take it to her grave. Toph still swore Nanny to many solemn vows of secrecy anyway. She listened to Nanny and felt...sure of the woman. She felt sure that Nanny meant her promises.

Nanny seemed a bit aghast at the prospect of foot-binding and at the turn this conversation had taken. She had not wanted Toph to feel frightened or ill-at-ease during this conversation. She had merely wanted to discuss the prospect of bending with Toph, when no one could overhear them. That was why she had taken them on this picnic. Why she had waited until her parents were gone.

Then Nanny said the strangest thing.

She suggested that she could teach Toph a few things...about earthbending.

Toph felt her heart swell madly at those words. For a second she was sure she was dreaming. She suddenly knew why she had felt the odd urge to hug Nanny earlier.

Nanny explained that she was sure she could show Toph a thing or two, even though she wasn't an earthbender herself. However, if Toph wished to learn, they would have to keep these lessons strictly secret. The bending would have to stay between the two to them. (Toph had no problem swearing secrecy).

Nanny had been raised to believe that an untrained bender was an unsafe bender. She was not an earthbender – but she knew a lot about bending. She knew about breathing, control and stances. She would like to try and teach Toph how to connect with her element and maintain control over her ability. But only if Toph wanted to, of course.

Toph wanted to more than anything in the world.

-o-

They had three _parent free _days ahead of them. Toph told Nanny about the badgermoles. She showed Nanny what she had been able to teach herself with more pride and delight than she had ever performed any piece of music that Nanny had drummed into her. Nanny started teaching her about connecting to the earth around her, and simple stances.

Mother was oddly right. For the three days she was gone, Toph did not even have time to miss her.

-o-o-o-

Notes: So this chapter was inspired by a great drabble by **Kimbery T**, which put forward potential foot-binding as a reason for Toph's _frail-is-me_ act. I actually think this is a great theory and is very valid. The EK is modelled of feudal era China, when footbinding was a very common practise despite the fact that (approx) one in twelve girls died from the procedure or post infections. I think fear of footbinding helps explain why Toph acts so ridiculously helpless if front of her parents.

Another great fic on Toph and Footbinding is_ life bound_ by **clockwork chaos**. I recommend it highly.


	9. the old saying

When Ursa first came to the conclusion that Toph was obviously a bender, she had a small crisis over what to do. Ursa knew this could be a delicate subject. Earthbending is strongly discouraged amongst the elite aristocracy here. It's apparently " a peasant ability."

It is so different to the firenation...

Ursa's **one job **criteria is to help Toph become more lady-like. Teaching her earthbending would not help further this end. Poppy would _have kittens_ if she knew that Ursa was even thinking it.

What is Ursa even thinking of? Teaching her earthbending? Ursa knows all about firebending, but she knows precious little about **earthbending.** How could she even hope to teach Toph?

Mind you, the basics would be similar. Stance, blocks, connecting with your element. Ursa knows a lot about bending in general – surely that couldn't hurt.

She has to do something – it seems like Toph is bending unknowingly. She is sure the old saying "an untrained bender is an unsafe bender" would also apply in the Earth Kingdom.

She could get earthbending scrolls to help her teach Toph more complex moves. She's a good teacher after all.

But Toph finds failure so frustrating – if she couldn't do some of the moves, it would be a blow to her confidence.

Nothing builds confidence as much as bending well.

It would make Toph so happy.

It would make Toph an undesirable match when she gets older.

But there is so much _more to life _than making a 'good match'. Ursa doesn't want Toph to find out the hard way.

Toph **should know **at least. Toph should know what she can really do. If she wishes to pursue it further, then Ursa will help as best she can. If she wishes to say no more about it, then Ursa will abide by that. What happens next should be up to Toph.

Ursa resolves, then and there to tell Toph...she will just wait until they have the house to themselves. She doesn't want to run the risk of being overheard.

-o-o-o-

notes: "an untrained bender is an unsafe bender" comes from Kimberly T's epic **promises to keep.** I can't recommend this fic enough!


	10. prodigy

Toph used to hate the summer season and how frequently her Father would leave to _network_. Mother would be so sad in his absence. Very rarely she went with him – and when they were both gone the house would feel empty and scary. If anyone had told her a year ago, that she would come to relish the summer, she would have thought they were stark raving bonkers. But that was before Nanny and the bending. Now Toph is practically pushing her parents out the door.

Once mother wavered and made some "maybe I should stay" rumblings- because she feels like she has hardly seen Toph all summer. Nanny says she should go, in a kind and persuasive voice. Nanny says Poppy should enjoy herself. It's been so long since she was able to regularly go to parties after all. Poppy is such a beautiful and charming woman, it would be a shame if she only ever stayed on the Bei Fong compound, like some cursed princess in a tower.

Mother is very flattered and quickly agrees. Mother says she has had to miss out on so much because of Toph's condition. At least now they have some competent help. Poppy feels comfortable leaving Toph with Nanny. Nanny bows low, accepting the compliment. Mother leaves with father.

Toph changes into what she has come to refer to as her ' bending clothes'. They are her least fine garments. They feel slightly scratchy, but they allow her to move freely and it is not so bad if they get dirty. Nanny has to handwash them so that the laundry lady does not suspect.

Toph does not know how to thank her for that.

Toph does not know how to thank her for any of it.

She is not used to feeling gratitude.

Ever since their picnic, Nanny and Toph have had an agreement: Whenever Mother and father go away, (this has become a regular occurrence this summer. It is "the season" after all) normal lessons are abandoned in favour of bending. But at all other times Toph must work hard at her other lessons – so that they still have something to "show" her parents.

Poppy frequently requests demonstrations for what Toph has been learning. Poppy is delighted that Toph is finally making "progress" and the demands for demonstrations is how she shows interest in Toph.

Toph has never worked harder at playing the flute, or arranging flowers in her life. Now there is a point to it all.

Nanny has been slowly teaching Toph earthbending. First from just her own knowledge (all she would say was that she happened to know a lot about bending). It was just simple things like breathing (breathe in...two...three...four... and out...two...three...four).

Then it was stance (Bend you knees, feet shoulder width apart, a strong stance is crucial Toph. Be firm like the earth is firm. Stand your ground.)

Then it was connecting with her element. Toph is to breathe deeply while Nanny reads from a scroll in a deep and soothing voice and places rocks on her back. Different rocks for different chakras. (Can Toph feel the earth? Can she feel the energy flow?)

Then Nanny bought an earthbending manual. Toph thinks she'd had to save up over several weeks. She has no proof – but when she'd asked Nanny how much it cost, Nanny totally lied about how much it was. She'd said "not very much", but Toph knew in her bones that she was fibbing like a champion fibber.

Nanny and Toph are working on breaking rocks today. It is the second activity in the scroll. They are at the far back corner of the garden, but they still have to be quiet. Toph works her way up from rocks the size of her hand, to ones about the size of her head. It seems like there are no bigger ones in the garden. But then Nanny finds a good rock for her to experiment with. It is nearly Toph-size.

Toph is uncertain. It feels...so big. But Nanny encourages Toph to give it a try. So Toph does.

Toph has never experienced anything like this. This sort of fierce immovable bending. She is rooted in place, but she feels brave and strong and free. She splits the boulder clean in half on her third try. Nanny is surprised and impressed.

"You really are _a prodigy_" Nanny says softly. She sounds pleased.

But she sounds very sad too.


	11. Servant

Poppy doesn't hate Lao's mother. Poppy tries not to hate anyone really. Hate is such a strong word really. Perhaps _dislike_ is better. Poppy_ dislikes_ how Lao's mother does certain things... like be overbearing...and patronising...and constantly talking to people like they are imbeciles...and referring to Poppy's tapestry making and embroidery as a 'meagre talent'. Poppy especially hates it when Lao's mother presumes to know what is best for Toph.

The woman had been so adamant that Toph should get her feet bound, even though the procedure would have very possibly _killed_ Toph. Poppy won a small victory here. It is the only time she has ever stood up to her mother-in-law. One of the only times she has ever stood up to anyone really.

The one thing Poppy especially hates...no _dislikes,_ is the fact that now that Lao's mother has moved closer, she has started dropping round with very little notice. The note in her hand informs her that she will be graced with a visit from the old bat this afternoon.

Poppy wonders if other women_ dread_ a visit from their mother-in-law quite as much as she does.

At first she sends back a polite excuse that advises her mother-in-law that they are currently a house of illness. Though it is only the first week of autumn, there has been a sudden cold snap that has made many of her household staff sick.

Poppy has had Toph put into quarantine in the nursery. None of the sickly staff members are allowed within a five meter radius of her child. Toph's health is so delicate after all. Toph's nanny is remarkably healthy and has not even been afflicted with a slight case of the sniffles, so she is currently tending to all of Toph's needs.

The reply comes back announcing that Lao's mother will come anyway. Lao's mother has always experienced what Poppy refers to as _rude good health_. The woman is never ill. Possibly she just irritates germs away from her.

There is nothing for it. Poppy must make a show of herself. With all her lady's maids sick – Poppy is forced to ask the Nanny to do her hair. Nanny dresses and adorns Toph for dinner. She is as competent in this area as she is in all others.

Poppy considers the hiring of Nanny to be one of her big achievements in her long running quest to prove herself to her mother-in-law. All of the nannies that Lao's mother recommended were highly unsuitable. One of them even hit Toph for goodness sake! Poppy had chosen this Nanny herself – and this nanny was the one who had succeeded where all of Lao's mother's recommended nannies had failed.

So there.

Nanny comes when she is bidden. She very efficiently piles Poppy's hair on her head in an elaborate fashion. She updates Poppy on how Toph is doing. "She is a little bored madam, but I have set her up doing a geography activity with her rocks and she is quite content with that". Poppy will never say so, because it is vulgar to compliment commoners too much (it goes straight to their heads) but this Nanny had some ingenious ideas when it came to teaching Toph, even despite her condition. The rocks had been a stroke of genius.

The Nanny can tell that Poppy is nervous about Lao's mother. She says a few kind and encouraging things, and suddenly Poppy is telling her all about how she doesn't hate Lao's mother, she just _dislikes_ her, and meagre talents and footbinding and do other women feel this same dread? Nanny laughs in a way that makes Poppy feel like she has made a clever joke. Nanny says that all women have _a complicated relationship_ with their mother-in-law.

Poppy confesses that she knows Lao's mother doesn't think she is good enough for Lao – but they have been married so long now, you'd think the _old bat _would have gotten used to it by now and would have stopped berating Poppy at every turn. Nanny gives the pins a final adjustment and then she does the oddest thing. She lifts Poppy's chin gently with a warm hand (it is so warm even though the weather is so cold) and tells her to take courage. This visit will be over soon. Her mother-in-law can bluster all she likes, but _this. is. Poppy's house_. Poppy is in charge here.

Strangely it does make Poppy feel better. The combination of the hand lifting her chin and the soothing words. She has seen this Nanny do something similar with Toph, when she is fretting about some small tragedy. Something about this Nanny makes Poppy wish she were a little girl again, and the feeling is very jarring for her. She steps back slightly from the Nanny. It is inappropriate to be friendly with servants. To confide in them and seek comfort in them.

This Nanny is already over-familiar with Toph and Poppy should not be encouraging this sort of behaviour. She gives the Nanny a slightly scolding look. Nanny understands. She bows low and says that she will go prepare Toph in her best clothes for the occasion. She is once again acting like the demur servant and not like she is Poppy's friend and confidante.

This is how it should be.

Then can be no friendships between fine ladies and servants.


	12. steam

The Bei Fong household had been riddled with a terrible flu. Though Poppy insisted that Toph be kept secret for all the afflicted people, she still succumbed to the illness. It started as a terrible lethargy and a slight cough. On the surface, these symptoms were not too alarming, but Ursa knew something was very wrong. After her parents left, summoned to dinner by Lao's odious mother, Toph showed no inclination to practise her earth bending. Normally Toph practically flew out to the back corner of the garden as soon as the door closed behind her parents.

Toph's health deteriorated rapidly during the night. She was feverish and fitful. Her cough was so vicious that it sounded like it was shaking her bones. In the wee hours of the morning, Ursa could stand it no longer. Ursa knew there was a big risk in what she was about to do, but the sound of Toph's coughing drove the cowardice and uncertainty from her mind.

She knew that nothing helped clear a congested chest like steam.

She gathered the girl into her arms and took her to the small bathing room. She closed the doors and windows. She looked at Toph, sleepy, feverish and unaware of the world around her. She could do it and the girl would never know.

Ursa took a deep breath. Firebending comes from the breath. She still remembered how even though it had been so long. The Bei Fong house slept unaware whilst Ursa practised what had always come so naturally to her. Firebending was a part of herself that she'd quashed for necessity's sake. Oh, how glorious it felt to hold the flames at her fingertips again. Soon steam filled the room.

Ursa added a few drops of eucalyptus oil to the boiling water and waited. Toph sat in her lap, with her small head resting on Ursa's shoulder. Ursa rubbed soothing circles on her back and encouraged her to take deep healing breaths. She sings soft lullabies and speaks in a soothing whisper.

_There now little one, deep breaths, that's good. _

She remembers the other children she did this for. Thoughts of Zuko and Azula and the times long ago come crashing in. The times when she held their small bodies safe in her arms.

She hasn't forgotten them for a second. Their faces are seared on her heart.

Though she never forgets, she tries to put them from her mind everyday (tries and fails). If she did not, her sadness and anger and the bone-deep longing for her children would cripple her completely. She would be unable to go on. She tries to keep her spirits cheerful. She is still alive. Her children are still alive. Those are things to be grateful for.

She is lucky really.

She was lucky to escape with her life the first time. She was lucky to get her position here. She is lucky that she has a place like this to _wait it out. _It's a waiting game now. She had no way of seeing or contacting her children until they leave the palace.

But they will...one day.

She raised impetuous wild hawks, not contentedly caged sparrowkeets.

They will leave the firenation on a curious whim, a military mission, an adventure. When they do – Ursa will find them. However far away, however many mountains or rivers or deserts she must cross, she will find them.

She is roused from her reverie by Toph stirring. Her breathing is coming easier now. She has put her chubby child arms around Ursa's neck.

"Mum?" Toph's voice is drowsy but hopeful.

"No darling, it's me Nanny." Ursa replies soothingly.

"I love you mum." Toph says and snuggles closer. Her arms squeeze tight, but it is her words that feel like they are strangling Ursa. Those words have reached inside Ursa and taken a hold of her guts and_ pulled._

"I love you too little one." Ursa whispers back as she cuddles the girl tighter. No matter how hard Ursa fights against the tide of misery inside her, one little tear comes out.

Must she always suffer this way?

Must she always leave the children she loves?

-o-

Ursa is a firebender in my head canon. Because Firebending is such a huge part of the cult of the Royal family in the FN, I actually imagine that she would have been a brilliant bender to have been chosen as wife of a prince.


	13. Quaint

-o-

Quaint

-o-

Winter passes and spring rolls around, bringing with it Toph's Birthday. Granny Bei Fong has elected to visit for_ a whole weekend. _

This is, easily, **the worst thing** that anyone has ever given Toph.

She hates Granny Bei Fong's visits.

Granny Bei Fong visits mean best clothes, fake smiles, nervous giggling, an incredible amount of lying from all the grown ups, constant recitals and performances and _no earth bending._

Nanny prepares for Granny's visit with the same grim determination that one would prepare for an oncoming hurricane. Mother comes into the nursery the night before Granny's arrival. She looks over what Toph has learned, listens to the music that Toph will preform and inspects what Nanny has chosen for Toph to wear.

Mother frets and fusses that Granny Bei Fong will not be impressed.

Mother gets a bit hysterical.

Nanny takes mother outside and tries to calm her down. Toph can overhear the words "deep calming breaths...that's it... Now breath in...1...2...3...4...now let it out."

Breathing does not calm mother down.

Drinking her whole flask of "nerve tonic" does the trick.

-o-

Nanny comes in and puts Toph to bed and returns outside. Toph creeps out of bed. Her mother and Nanny are sitting on the stairs that lead down to the garden. Mother is drinking from the flask of nerve tonic she keeps hidden in her skirts (the one that Toph is not meant to know about) and complaining voraciously. Her voice sounds a bit funny.

Nanny is listening and offering comfort and advice, while trying to be subservient. She calls Mother "My Lady" like it is one word _milady. _

Mother is spurred on by having a captive, deferential audience. She starts releasing **all her displeasure** over this upcoming visit. Mother cannot complain about Granny Bei Fong in Dad's hearing. But late at night, on the nursery steps, there is no one to listen but Nanny. Nanny listens well.

" Doyou know what I _hate_...err **dislike** most about Lao's mother Nanny?"

"No Milday."

"The way she says the word **quaint. **_Oh Poppy, you're embroidery is __**so quaint.**__Oh Poppy, your decorating tastes are __**so quaint.**__Poppy, your voice is __**too quaint**__to carry a robust song like the Happy Newt."_

"The Happy Newt? I haven't heard of that one Milday."

"It's the old baggage's favourite song. Oh no! She'll asks Toph to sing it, I'm sure of it!"

"Well, Milady I've taught her lots of tunes. Toph has a fine voice and good memory. I might be able to teach her this **newt song **tomorrow morning...if you wish it. But we have been doing forest folk-songs recently. You know how Toph loves all those tales of Rei Hei the Bandit. Would Lao's mother enjoy folk songs?"

"Folk-songs? Oh no! If Toph sings folk-songs, then we are all going to have to** hear all about** how Lao's mother can hit all the high notes in the _Love Song of the Leaves_ ...**And** we are going to hear all about how she never forgets any of the words in the _ballad of the maudlin toad. _

"Milady, I know Lao's mother can be..."

"A bossy, old baggage? An odious, overbearing witch? A smelly, stupid spannerface?"

"No, actually...I was just going to say that I know she can be_ a little self-centred._...but surely she would not try to brag all about herself on Toph's birthday."

"You've **met** her. You know how she just **lives** to make me feel inferior!"

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

"Avatar Kyoshi said that didn't she?"

"She did Milady."

"Do you think she **hated.**..err..._disliked_ her mother-in-law too?"

"It's possible Milady. "

-o-

Adults are ridiculous liars, Toph thinks to herself the next morning, as Granny and Mother exchange greetings.

" Lily, I am **so pleased** you could join us for Toph's Birthday." Mother lies right to Granny's face.

" Thank you Poppy, you are a most **gracious hostess. **It is **so nice **to be here." Granny fibs back. "Are these vases new? They are **so very quaint**."

Toph can tell that Granny does not mean quaint at all. Toph swears she can _feel_ her mother's hands (unseen in her large sleeves) clench into small fist, but she remains impassively polite. A firm mask of fake feelings is fixed in place.

This weekend is going to be all kinds of dreadful.

At least Toph can look on the bright side. She can use this week to develop her ability to sense the truth.

-o-

_No one can make you feel inferior without your consent_ is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt. It is one of my absolute favourites.

I wanted to squeeze it into this story because this is one of the key things that Toph will learn from Ursa.

However the Avatarverse does not have an Eleanor Roosevelt (alas!) so I attributed it to that other incredible wise woman, Avatar Kyoshi.

Because she was awesome.

And I'm pretty sure that **no one** made Avatar Kysohi feel inferior without her consent.


	14. Night Market

-o-

night market

-o-

Ursa wakes Toph up one night, after the rest of the household has retired. Ursa knows that what she plans is risky, but she will never get another opportunity quite like this. Everyone else is abed. Poppy and Lao have been invited to return the visit Lao's mother paid them and are away for the entire weekend.

_Poor Poppy _Ursa thinks to herself.

Ursa and Poppy will never be proper friends. Poppy regards the difference in their station to be too great. Poppy has come to see Ursa as some sort of ally in her long running feud against Lao's Mother. This has brought them somewhat closer. Poppy still likes Ursa to be deferential at all times (a simple_ Milady_ normally appeases her), but a tone of familiarity has crept into their interactions. Poppy trusts her now.

Ursa muses on how she has always found it easy to get people to trust her.

She's not sure if this is a good thing.

Azulon trusted her, after all.

-o-

She dresses Toph in her simplest dress, one of the ones that she has been wearing for Earthbending. It is too small now (Toph is growing out of everything lately) but it will serve, for a short trip. Toph will blend in now. There is one of those dreadful Earth Rumble fights on in town. With such a big crowd in Gaoling, no one will notice the two of them.

Ursa is getting some proper bending clothes made for Toph. She needs to get Toph measured first, which will require a small trip into town. But the end result will be sturdy garments that can take a bit of rough and tumble. Something Toph can bend in. Something she can run, jump, play and do a myriad of other _kid _things in.

It is to be Ursa's belated birthday present to her small charge.

Ursa feels that Toph _deserves _a present she will actually enjoy after her terrible birthday weekend.

-o-

Ursa keeps a firm grip on Toph's hand as they walk through the night market. Toph is perpetually pulling her towards the fragrant foodstalls, wiggling in time to the buoyant music the street performers are playing, and touching all the knick-knacks for sale. She is completely entranced by the world around her.

Ursa thought they could be back home in a hour. She didn't take into account the fact that it was Toph's _very first time_ in the town. There was pure joy on her small face with every new discovery.

-o-

They meandered through the markets until they came to Button Alley, where all the tailors lived. The tailor Ursa chose was a plump looking woman, who measured Toph with a cheerful efficiency, while Toph asked her many questions about the Earth Rumbles. There had been much excitement in the town over the rumble between a Mr Boulder and a Mr Hippo. Toph was like a sponge, and absorbed it all (along with five other ill-mannered insults used to describe both rumblers.)

Toph has become full of questions on the Earth Rumbles...also on the exact definition of _floppy-cocked bumface._

Ursa claims she doesn't know anything about either subject.

-o-

So Nanny pretended that she didn't know anything about anything. But she was fibbing. Toph could tell. She laughed right out loud when Toph asked (in her most innocent tone) "Is Granny a floppy-cocked bumface."

Nanny wouldn't have found it funny if she _really _didn't know what that meant.

She surely wouldn't have murmured in an amused tone "Well, she's certainly a bumface."

Nanny couldn't be drawn into the subject of Earth Rumbles at all. This disappointed Toph because they sounded so awesome! Floppy-cocked bumfaces threw rocks at spindle-legged-pansy-arsed-mumma's boys until one of them fell out of the ring, got knocked unconscious or cried. Whichever happened first.

Toph had never heard of anything **more fun. **

But Nanny said she didn't know anything about them. If she didn't know anything, it would be hard for her to take Toph to the next one. Toph tried to_ help_ Nanny learn more about the earth rumbles. She asked the plump tailor many questions as she ran her tape along Toph's body.

The tailor said she didn't know much either, aside from the fact that her two sons were at the match, and the Boulder was tipped to win this bout, and he was a...

At that point the tailor trailed off. There were some gestures exchanged between her and Nanny. Toph couldn't quite make them out. She couldn't figure out most gestures yet. She was still working on that.

The tailor came back and started measuring Toph up again and started saying that frankly, she couldn't see the appeal of the rumbles. It was a totally barbaric competition. Rocks bigger than houses were hurled like projectiles. The ground near the arena shook because the fighting was so intense. The fights always attracted the worst sorts of bandits and low-life scum into the town.

Her words did not discourage Toph at all.

In fact, they did quite the opposite.


	15. Knife

-o-

The Knife

-o-

The market has darkened by the time that Ursa and Toph leave the tailor's. Toph is oblivious to the dangers. She has been keeping up a steady stream of chatter about how great it would be to go to an Earth rumble. She has been asking, pleading, cajoling and nagging Ursa to take her to the next one.

It gets to the point where Ursa puts her hands on her hips and goes into full on scolding mode. "Toph, I have said no. The Earth Rumbles are simply_ too violent!_ You know how I feel about violence."

Just at that moment, Ursa feels the tip of a knife press against her side. A rough arm grabs her around her neck. A second figure leaps out from the shadows of the alley and grabs Toph. She shrieks in fright and surprise.

There is a voice in Ursa's ear that mutters "okay lady, give us all your cash or the kid gets it."

Ursa can hear the tailor's words echo in her head._ All sorts of low-life scum come into the town on fight nights and pick off the soft targets, the tourists, women and kids. Mostly they just rob them. _

Ursa has never been a _soft target _in all her life.

Ursa has strong maternal instincts, a mastery of martial arts and _views _about people who would hurt children.

She leaps into action.

It occurs to Ursa, as she feels the crunch of the would-be thief's nose beneath her fist, that the spirits seem determined to forever make a hypocrite of her.

Just two seconds ago, Ursa had been about to launch into a scolding speech about how violence is bad, should not be encouraged and never solves anything.

But she hardly thinks any spirit would blame her for _sorting these two out_ in the most direct way.

Neither of them even have a solid stance, for goodness sake.

-o-

This was the best, most exciting, most incredible night of Toph's entire life. She had discovered the night market, the Earth Rumbles, five new swear words, and the fact that Nanny was a badass ninja who could_ break _two guys... in like _five seconds. _

Toph will admit that she hated it when the strange man had grabbed her. There was second one that had his arms around Nanny and was asking for her money. Toph was **very scared** right then, but she didn't let on.

Toph was getting better at sensing with her feet. But she still lost track of how the men ended up rolling around on the ground in pain, while Nanny stood over them, knife in hand (she'd snatched it from the big one), berating them both for being _low life scum _who would threaten women and children.

It had happened so quickly. One minute the men were being very scary and threatening. The next, Nanny had flipped the one that held her over her shoulder and stomped on his gonads. Then she grabbed Toph with one arm and pulled her out of harm's way. Then there was a blur of motion and a loud SMACK. Toph could tell there was _a lot of feeling_ in the punch. This man didn't fall, but he tried to punch Nanny back. She ducked, then did a backflip and kicked him with both feet.

It was then that Toph realised that Nanny was a badass. She **badassed all over** those thieves.

Toph was used to a gentle Nanny who sang lullabies, could play eight instruments proficiently and liked soppy stories and doing the voices .

She was most surprised to discover that this exact same lady was also a woman who beat the crap out of thieves and then threatened them with their own knives.

Toph had never realised you could be both a fine lady _and_ a badass.

Nanny obviously knew what to do with a knife. She sounded down right menacing when she held it to the big one's neck and said "You** don't want to know** what I do to people who threaten my kids. But I'm feeling charitable – so I'll let you off with a warning. Just this once."

The thieves _ran away from_ Nanny. One of them called her a_ koh-damned harlot _(but he said it under his breath while running very fast in the other direction.) Nanny heard him and shouted "Yeah, you better run!" after them.

It was awesome.

-o-

"That was awesome!" Toph exclaimed, sounded half amazed, and half excited.

Uh oh. How was Ursa going to explain this?

She tried to justify her recent bout of violence to the girl. This conversation went some what disastrously, due to the inherent contradictions in Ursa's position on violence. _Violence doesn't solve anything...except for when it does. _

Ursa still doesn't know quite what came over her. She'd like to say that it was just because Toph was being threatened. It was a natural maternal instinct. There was nothing sinister in it. But she hadn't stopped when Toph was safe and the two men were sufficiently injured to pose no further threat.

The big man who had threatened Toph hadn't even looked that much like Ozai.

But he used his superior strength to overpower those he felt were weaker.

That was similarity enough for Ursa.

She never realised just how angry she was about _everything_ until the knife was in her hand.

She had to fight the overpowering urge to _press down. _

_-o-_

Nanny was being weird about the fact that she was a total badass. She acted like she was ashamed. If Toph could do what Nanny could do – she would be proud.

Nanny's not proud.

Nanny's a bit worried actually. Toph's parents **do not know **about her ninja skills (obviously). Nanny is not meant to be a badass (strictly speaking). It sounds almost as if Nanny is worried that Toph might _tell on her._

Toph would never. Doesn't Nanny _know_ this?


	16. Made in Earth Kingdom

-o-

Made in Earth Kingdom.

-o-

They sneak back in silently. No one has noticed their absence. The last thing Toph said on the subject of their nocturnal adventure was "You know, if you were an earthbender Nanny, you'd be a top contender in an Earthrumble. Then I could come watch you fight in an arena...rather than just in an alley." Then she yawned wide and fell into a contented sleep.

Ursa is awake for a long time afterwards.

The night went well, all things considered. She and Toph will get away with this little adventure. Toph will have new clothes. They escaped unscathed from some ruffians. She got a free knife from said ruffians. (She wouldn't call it **stealing **per see...it was merely confiscating.)

She turns it over in her hands. It's a good blade. Quality steel. One side of the blade has an inscription. Just a harmless everyday phrase that is on everything over here. But it makes her stomach drop to the floor when she sees it.

Made in Earth Kingdom.

-o-

_He says you should note the inscription. _

_Made in Earth Kingdom?_

_The other inscription darling. _

-o-

She folds the knife away. She'll keep it for stupid sentimental reasons, even though she could sell it for a pretty penny.

Ozai always said she was stupidly sentimental.

He'd rant about all the "junk" she kept. When he felt especially cross with her, he'd break the things she loved best and shout** "No point being sad and stupidly sentimental. They're just things!"**

She remembers Zuko helping her pick up the pieces of her grandmother's vase.

They'd been fighting over him actually. He'd probably overheard everything.

He must have felt like the vase's demise is somehow his fault.

-o-

_Maybe we can glue it?_

_No darling. It's too broken._

_Well at least you can still remember it. Dad can't break memories...If you want to remember... then you know...just remember._

_-o-  
_

Just remember?

It had seemed so simple then.


	17. A direct manner

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

A direct manner

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Why do I even have to wear this poxy dress." Toph stamps her foot, cross.

"Because your grandmother is coming again. We need our best clothes for Granny." Nanny says calmly.

Toph huffs and sighs as Nanny adjust the bows. She **hates** Granny's visits.

"Toph, Darling I know you don't enjoy these visits. I know that when you grandmother comes your mother can get...eer...a little..." Nanny trails off, trying to find the right word for _how mother gets_ around Granny.

"Tense? Panicked? Crazy? Angry? Drunk?" Toph supplies helpfully.

"...All True. But your mother has a hard time with Granny. Wearing our best clothes and playing _A Song of the Woodland in Spring_ is how you can best show that you support her." Nanny says persuasively. Toph absolutely wants to support her mother, but she sees an opportunity here.

"Okay, I'll do it. On one condition. You take me to an EarthRumble." Nanny has steadfastly refused to take Toph to what sounds like the most magical and wonderful thing in the world. Nanny thinks it is too violent. Toph is trying all her tactics to wear Nanny down.

"Ah, no. We are not making bargains today young lady." _Monkey feathers! Foiled again! _Nanny has called Toph's bluff. She knew Toph will perform anyway; because it is for her mother, who she loves.

"I'll play an extra song for Granny, if you say yes." Toph tries one more time.

"Nice try Toph, but my answer on **that** subject is not changing." Nanny is amused, but unmoved.

-o-

Toph was ushered into the sitting room, where Granny and Mother were taking tea. Nanny was not allowed to join them because she was a servant and it would be inappropriate. Toph played the song Mother had chosen to the best of her ability. Granny even complimented Toph! We'll she said that Toph had played it passably well, which was close enough.

"Yes – Toph is doing prodigiously well with the nanny that _I hired_." Mother said. There is a hint of pride in her voice. Granny has always taken an active role in Toph's education, ever since Mother refused to consider foot binding. Nannies 1 through 3 had all been recommended by Granny. (Well "recommended" is too soft a word.) All Granny's Nannies had failed spectacularly.

"Oh I wouldn't go that far, dear Poppy. Her playing is only passably good. She still has a lot to work on." Granny doesn't want anyone to get "carried away".

"Well, I'm sure the nanny will help her excel. I think Toph is **so good,** she could even play for the Earth King one day." Mother says enthusiastically. Toph feels warmed inside by the praise.

" Oh Poppy, you and your **quaint **notions." Granny chuckles. "I hardly think that a woman from..._wherever you Nanny is from_ would be able to understand the complexities of music in the royal court. No, I fear that Toph will only ever play for a private audience." Granny laments.

There is a silence full of ill feeling around the tea table.

"Where is your nanny from anyway?" Granny asks, filling the awkward silence. "She's been here for months and I know so little about her." she adds. She is trying to sound genuinely curious, but there is something in her voice that Toph does not like.

"She said she was from the colonies." Mother answers in a hesitant tone. She knows this is the wrong answer.

"Well, that explains it." Granny scoffs. Granny hates the colonies. She has** views** on colonials.

"Explains what?" Mother says archly, as she breaks a biscuit very deliberately.

"Her manner. She is so very direct. Of course, one only expects colonials to be a little coarse. She must have had dealings with the firenation. Ghastly race of people really. She's picked up a few of their bad habits. Make sure she doesn't pass them onto Toph now." Granny says with faux concern.

Mother is incensed and breaks another biscuit with one hand.

"Oh Poppy, don't fret." Granny soothes. Mother is not actually fretting. Mother is fuming. "We _all make mistakes_ with our household staff. You are n**ot accustomed** to managing people I know. It's natural that the first woman you hired on your own would not be the best choice." Granny continues in a condescending tone.

"I think she does quite well with Toph. She has certainly passed on a love of music and none of our previous nannies were able to do that." Mother fires back, in a rare display of pique.

"Still, I would be careful. You only have **one daughter.** You don't want her **ruined forever** with a direct manner." Granny replies, in a tone full of warning.

-o-

"Nanny, what's a direct manner?" Toph asks, after the dreaded morning tea is over.

"A direct manner is saying what you think Toph." Nanny replies simply.

"Why is a direct manner so bad?" Toph is infinitely curious. Granny made it sound like it was the worst thing in the world. Nanny is a bit taken aback by the question, and responds with a question of her own. "Why do you think a direct manner is bad Toph?"

"Granny said that you have a direct manner that you picked up from** ghastly firebenders** in the colonies...and that you might pass it onto me and **ruin me forever."** Toph explains, trying to mimic Granny's voice in certain parts.

"Gosh your grandmother _has some notions._" Nanny says with a huge outward breath. She is cross. She kneels in front of Toph so they are on the same level. She speaks in her firm voice. "Well Toph, a direct manner isn't necessarily bad. There is nothing wrong with voicing what you really think and feel. Where I am from, it is considered honourable to be honest. There is nothing bad about it." she explains.

Toph doesn't know if this is right. "There must be something bad about it– Granny and Mother never do it. They are lying to each other all the time."

"Yes well...things are a bit different here to where I am from. Here it is considered impolite to be direct. Sometimes you have to be careful. What you think may hurt someone's feelings – and in those cases sometimes it is better to keep quiet. For example, if your mother was more direct, she could call your Granny _a fat old baggage who needs to butt out and mind her own business._" Nanny says, like she thinks this will make everything clearer.

"I wish she would." Toph says excitedly. Mother with a direct manner would be awesome to behold. Perhaps Nanny could teach Mother some of **her violence.** Then next time Granny came over, mother could break her face instead of breaking biscuits. That would be even better than an Earth rumble.

"But you see Toph, that would make things very awkward for your father. He loves Granny and your mother and wants them to get along. Also it would really hurt your Granny's feelings." Nanny is calm, but her tone of voice indicates that she thinks Toph has completely missed the point.

**"I don't care about her feelings!** She's horrible." Toph says with conviction.

"Toph I don't want to hear you speak like that! " Nanny snaps – startling Toph. Nanny cups her face to get her full attention. "You should** never **be careless with someone's feelings." Nanny is very being very firm now. She is a bit upset. But she takes some deep breaths and calms herself.

"It's good to be honest Toph. But it is even better to be kind. The most important thing in this world is that you know how to be a kind person. You **should care** about people's feelings." Nanny scolds, then adds in a much softer tone "Hurt feelings aren't like a bruise. They are not so easy to recover from. Sometimes you say things – and you can't ever take them back. You understand?"

Toph nods like she does.

-o-

Ursa is bothered by the conversation all day. It is only later that night that she realises why. That whole thing about being kind reminded her so much of one of the last conversations she had with Azula. She'd told Azula to be kind and be mindful of what she said to others. Sometimes you say something and you couldn't ever take it back.

Azula had narrowed her eyes and replied "you know _all about that,_ don't you mother." icily, and stalked off. She was right. Ursa did know.

Ursa had said something once, when she was incredibly angry. She couldn't ever unsay it, not matter how sorry she was. Azula was indicating that she still remembered what she overheard that day; the day that Ursa found Ozai and Azula pulling the wings off dragonflies together. Ozai was trying to teach Azula to enjoy the way the poor creatures writhed. Ursa had taken Ozai aside and there had been an argument. Azula still had not forgiven Ursa for the words she shouted in anger.

_You're turning her into a monster!_

-o-


	18. Impasse

0o0o0o0o0o0

Impasse

0o0o0o0o0o0

Toph has been nagging and cajoling and pleading and reasoning with Nanny about the Earth Rumbles. At first Toph took to exclaiming dramatically that if she didn't get to go to one, she'd **just die!** Then Nanny would be _sorry_ for being so mean.

Nanny had found her dramatics somewhat amusing (she was well used to them by now). She said that lack of earth rumbles was _not life-threatening_, however even if Toph did die of such an unusual disease, Nanny's opinion of them (that they were stupidly violent and unnecessarily brutal) would remain unchanged. She would be very saddened by Toph's unusual death, but saddened wasn't the sort of _sorry _that Toph meant.

Then Toph took to bargaining. She offered chores, good behaviour, learning really complicated music pieces, poetry recitals for Granny as her bargaining chips. She would do all these things and more if Nanny would just take her. She'd even stop mentioning Rei-hei the bandit in Granny's presence. Toph's talk of banditry makes Granny clutch her pearls and mutter things like "goodness me, what is _that woman_ teaching this child" in a scandalised tone.

Sometimes Nanny laughs at Toph's attempts at bargaining. Nanny tweaks her nose and says "I don't make deals with bandits little one."

But sometimes, more often lately, Nanny gets stern and says that Toph should do all those things - the music, the recitals, not mentioning Rei Hei - anyway. It causes so much trouble when she carries on the way she does.

Then Toph changes tactics completely. She tries for a reasonable argument. They have now nearly worked through all the basic scrolls – and Toph is desperate to learn new things. Toph suggests that the Rumbles might be a great place for her to pick up more complex, combative forms. She could learn a lot from observing professional fighters. Nanny actually considers this. For a moment Toph's heart swells. But Nanny decides against it. Toph pouts and huffs and rolls over in bed and presses her face against the far wall. She shrugs off all of Nanny's attempts to sooth her.

" There are other, much better ways for you to improve your earthbending darling". Nanny offers in a soft voice.

"Oh really" Toph's voice is dripping with sarcasm. What other options were there for her? A blind, hidden girl forbidden from ever leaving the compound.

"Well Toph, I was actually thinking that it was high time to get you a proper bending teacher." Nanny says, and then pauses and waits for a reaction.

Toph rolls away from the wall and back towards Nanny, her expression shocked.

"Rather than all this talk of rumbles, why don't we get you a proper teacher – rather than just little old me. You're too old for footbinding now, and a good tutor would help you develop and hone your skill much more than observing a bunch of guys throw rocks at each other." Nanny's voice, is soft and persuasive. Nanny is often able to persuade Toph to do things. But not this time.

"But my parents..." Toph begins, unsure if she wants to finish that sentence. She doesn't know how her parents would react to the truth about her bending... but she doesn't want to find out.

"Well, I'm sure if we gradually introduced them to the idea..." Nanny begins, but she is using too many words. Toph likes to keep things simple.

"You mean tell them." Toph says, trying to clarify exactly what Nanny was suggesting.

"Yes Toph, we would have to tell them, if they are to provide you with a bending tutor." Nanny murmurs.

"No." Toph says softly, but with a hard edge.

"Toph, just consider..." Nanny urges.

"No" Toph's voice is stronger now, colder.

" I'll give you sometime to think it over..." Nanny tries a third time.

"I said no!" Toph is resolute.

There is a pause.

"As you wish darling."

"Nanny, you wont..."

"I won't tell them without your permission."

Nanny pulls the blanket up around Toph's head, making her feel safe. Toph decided to try, _just one more time,_ and asks about the Earthrumbles again. Now that Toph won't be getting an earthbending tutor, perhaps Nanny will think on it. But Nanny refuses. Nanny is being so _unreasonable _about this. Toph asks, quite abruptly, why Nanny **hates** the earthrumbles so.

Nanny doesn't deny that she hates the idea of them. She says "I can't abide by violent bloodsports Toph. I don't like pain and violence used as entertainment. I worry that it brings out something ugly in people." Nanny says firmly. Toph can't help but ask what she means. She doesn't quite understand. Something ugly in people? Toph knows precious little about beauty or ugliness – being blind and all. Nanny says she was referring to ugliness _on the inside. _She hopes Toph never has to learn about that.

But Toph is still not satisfied. She wants a better explanation. Nanny sighs, pauses, and then begins.

" Where I am from...in the colonies, we do something similar to Earthrumbles– except the bending battle is used to settle a disagreement. My father took me to one, when I was a girl not much older than you..." Nanny's storytelling voice is on. At first it sounds like this is going to be a fairytale with a brave heroine and a handsome prince. But it is not that sort of story.

Nanny explains how a man got horribly hurt (no gory details, she skips over all of those, but her voice shakes a little with the memory. Toph asks if the man died of his injuries, and Nanny said no – but that was a lie.) Seeing the man get hurt was awful, but seeing a full arena of people do nothing to help him was worse. Instead there was some cheering. When an audience saw pain as entertainment, they stopped seeing the people suffering.

"It gave me no end of nightmares, and an implacable hatred for bloodsports." Nanny concludes.

"Grown-ups get nightmares?" Toph is astounded.

"Yes – and regular dreams too." Nanny says.

Toph decides then and there that she wont ask about the Earthrumbles again, not while Nanny is around. She doesn't want to give Nanny nightmares after all.

-o-

They are at an impasse. With no rumbles and no tutor, how will Toph's bending improve? They have nearly completed all the activities on the third and last scroll Nanny has. The forms are getting to complex, and though Nanny can explain what it says on the scroll very well, she cannot demonstrate for Toph. Though she has some understanding of bending, Nanny is not an earthbender herself. It is frustrating to work through these activities. They take longer to learn.

Toph is not sure if they are taking too long or not long enough. She can feel the end of the scroll getting nearer. After they reach that...then what? Nanny is still keen on the idea of getting a tutor, because she thinks Toph needs someone to demonstrate the more advanced things. Toph feels she has done well enough without any demonstrations and only Nanny's voice all this time. She doesn't want some poxy, stuffy tutor teaching her the basics and droning in her ear.

"No I don't. I don't need any stupid tutor when I've got you." Toph declares proudly. Perhaps Toph can acquire some currency so that Nanny can purchase the more advanced scrolls. Then they could just keep on together. It's more difficult, but Toph always picks it up eventually. Nanny smiles widely and hugs Toph then. The hug takes her by surprise.

" Oh Toph I would love to continue teaching you..." she says in Toph's ear and then pulls back and adds, much more seriously. "But I feel we are reaching the limit of what I can teach you."

-o-


	19. spoiled

Toph really has flourished under the tutelage of the nanny Poppy hired. Poppy doesn't hesitate to remind the Old Baggage when she calls by for tea (with very little notice - again). The Old Baggage purses her lips but cannot argue with Toph's clear progress, so she says nothing except for a clipped "quite so".

Poppy is silent for a small, satisfied second. It's a small victory.

"Does it not bother you that the nanny is spoiling Toph shamefully?" The Old Baggage asks after a beat - still determined to find a fault. Her voice pleasant and conversational as always. Poppy pauses and glances through the moon gate to the nursey. She can make out the figures of Toph and Nanny. Toph is bundled on her lap, and Nanny is reading to her. Toph says something. Nanny chortles and gives Toph a squeeze. Toph beams at her.

Poppy claims that she is not bothered at all – and she isn't really. Not by the Old Baggage's accusations of spoiling. Not by that.

The Old Baggage continues like Poppy has not spoken. "She is so informal with the girl, and so tactile. Always giving her cuddles over every minor woe. Obviously that must be common amongst _colonials, _but Toph is of noble birth. She is not some half-bred savage to be touched casually by servants as if they were her equal!"

Poppy sips her tea and takes a breath. Now the Old Baggage is railing against cuddles? Poppy will acknowledge that it is a little unorthodox... but in the grand scheme of things, a few cuddles here and there are surely of no consequence, if the Nanny aids Toph in becoming an accomplished young woman. surely not. Poppy shouldn't be bothered by how much Toph enjoys the Nanny's company - not when Toph is finally learning. "I don't see the harm in it" Poppy replies casually.

"It will come to no good, mark my words." the Old Baggage says darkly, before changing tactics completely. "But I can see why you'd want her spoiled. She is your only daughter after all. Of course you want to pile affection on her...now that you are unable to have any more children of your own." The Old Baggage says this so sweetly, in such a consoling voice. A soft delivery of a crippling blow. Poppy inhales sharply and tries not to respond to the bait. She clenches a fist tight around her teacup and feels sour pliers squeezing a bitter lemon in the back of her throat. " As long as you don't mind how much Toph _obviously_ prefers the Nanny's cuddles and company to yours, then perhaps there is no harm in it." The Old Baggage concludes.

The teacup jumps from Poppy's fist, squeezed out of her palm by the intensity of how she held it. She tries to reclaim it from the air with flailing arms and inadvertently knocks over the entire tea set. It shatters on the pavers with a loud crash.

The serving maids overhear and come running. As does Nanny. The maids quietly fuss with the broken china, but Nanny, who has always struggled with knowing her place, directly addresses Poppy – right in front of the Old Baggage!

"Milady are you all right?" she says quickly, her eyes wide and alight concern. Her tone is consoling and over-familiar. Her hands reach towards Poppy and are hovering somewhere above Poppy's right shoulder when Poppy glares at her and snaps that she is quite well. Nanny withdraws her hand and helps the other maid

Nanny knows no better, and that is Poppy's fault.

Poppy can admit to herself that, in moments of weakness, she might even encourage this sort of tone and familiarity from Nanny.

Sometimes they have been more friendly than a mistress and servant.

Sometimes Poppy got lonely and had been warmed by thinking she had a friend.

Sometimes Poppy had discussed things other than Toph with Nanny. Literature, books, music... and then that led to discussing things much more personal. Poppy's secret fears, what she really thinks, how sometimes she wonders what life would have been like if her mother had chosen not to bind her feet and she had never got that terrible infection. Lao adored her delicacy - but would Lao have loved her then? Nanny never breathed a word of what Poppy had told her in confidence. And if, once or twice, Poppy had too much of her _nerve tonic _and ended up crying into the tall woman's shoulder – then that always stayed strictly between them.

The fact that Poppy was sometimes over-familiar with Nanny was always meant to stay strictly between them! It was never meant to be paraded in front of Lao's mother. Lao's mother, who was watching the chaotic scene unfold with an unreadable expression.

"Nanny, what happened?" asks Toph, all childish curiosity as she walks over. She addresses Nanny directly and does not even remark upon her mother.

"Toph, I told you to wait in the nursery." Nanny scolds softly. Toph makes to turn around, but then cries out suddenly. The cause is obvious to everyone. There are tiny slivers of porcelain everywhere and Toph is barefoot. Poppy gets out of her seat to go and comfort her daughter. Her hobbling shuffle is much slower than Nanny's long-legged gait. Nanny lifts the girl up and carries her back to the nursery.

-o-

Lao's mother leaves not long afterwards. Poppy guts are all clenched from her visit. She goes to the nursery to see Toph. Not for an update on lessons, or a performance or for any of her usual reasons. She just wants to see her daughter.

Toph has had the shard of porcelain removed from her foot, but is still wincing slightly when she walks – but it will heal in a few days, according to Nanny. Nanny had been about to read Toph her favourite story (those _cursed_ bandit tales), as a reward for Toph being "so brave" during the porcelain-shard-removal process.

"I will read it to her" Poppy announces and holds out her hand for the dreadful bandit book. Nanny is surprised, but covers it well. She hands the book over, with a meek "yes, of course, milady."

"No, it's okay Mum. Nanny can read it to me. I know how reading stories tires you out". Toph says from where she is already snugly ensconced in bed. Reading stories _used_ to tire Poppy out. It was why they had gotten another Nanny in the first place. But she hasn't read Toph a story in_ so long._

"I really don't mind Darling." Poppy says.

"Oh...it's just...Nanny's a bit better at the voices." Toph flushes and shifts awkwardly on the bed.

_As long as you don't mind how much Toph obviously prefers the Nanny..._

The poisonous words echo in her head and take root in her heart, despite Poppy's best efforts to quash them.

Poppy knows that Toph's not saying this to hurt her. She just..prefers the Nanny's story-telling voice. It doesn't mean she prefers Nanny on the whole. It doesn't. Poppy tells herself that it doesn't. She swallows down the acrid taste of jealousy that rises in her throat. She smiles widely, hands the book back to Nanny, cuddles Toph a little too firmly and leaves.

It would be completely ill-mannered to display an emotion as unbecoming as jealousy. Poppy has lots of unbecoming feelings in her – but she has learnt to never show them. All that loneliness, sadness, fright, worry and envy – nobody wants to see that. As long as she never lets it show. It's all anyone has ever asked of her. A good show.

-o-


	20. changes

0o0o0o0o0

Changes

0o0o0o0o0o0

Everything changes when the firenation visits.

The fact that Dad sometimes meets with firenation merchants is **the biggest secret in the world. **A great deal of money exchanges hands during these visits and Dad says they owe the firenation for their good fortune...but they are never, ever, ever meant to talk about it. Toph has been expressly forbidden from ever mentioning it.

Normally Dad visits their bases in the colonies, but once or twice Firenation people came to the house for a dinner that Toph was forbidden from attending. They are coming again tonight.

Mother hates the firenation visits. They make her nervous. Nanny tries to soothe her, when mother blusters into the nursey, all in a tizz. Nanny doesn't know the secret right then. When Mother tells her why she is so nervous, Nanny's heart skips a beat, and then starts beating again rapidly – like she has run a long way, when really she is standing stock still. Toph thinks that if even Nanny is frightened of the firenation, they must be fearsome people indeed .

-o-

Nanny and Toph stay in the room. Toph practises making more complex shapes with her rocks while Nanny reads her a scroll. The kitchen maid brings them supper. Toph slurps her noodles. Nanny tells her not to. Toph slurps all the more. Nanny pokes her with the chopsticks.

Toph thought it would always be like this.

She had not yet learned that all things must come to an end.

-o-

Nanny reads Toph another bandit bedtime story. Toph feels thirsty for a glass of warm milk to help her sleep. She feels she needs one tonight, with scary firenation people in the house. The kitchenmaid is alseep. Nanny is reluctant, but agrees to go and fetch it for her. She knows how Toph tosses and turns without it.

-o-

Nanny is gone along time.

Nanny comes back, without the milk, and seems like a different person entirely.

-o-

Toph has never felt an adult cry until this night. It is the most awful and frightening thing in the world. When Nanny comes back after what seems like an age, she runs past Toph to the small wash room off the nursery and slams the door. Toph can hear her throwing up. Then Toph can hear her sobbing. She's trying to keep it quiet, but Toph can hear her. Toph can feel her clutching at her stomach and her knees. It is almost like she is trying to hold her body together...like she is trying to stop all her insides from coming out.

Toph suddenly feels like she has to try and stop her own insides from coming out. It makes her feel sick to feel Nanny so upset. She doesn't know what happened and she doesn't understand. Everything is so scary all of a sudden.

She sits on the other side of the washroom door, and implores and entreats nanny through it. What happened? What's wrong? She doesn't get an answer aside from an awful, wrenching moan, and a dull thud, like Nanny beat the door with her fist, or maybe her head. The sound makes Toph want to run away and hide under the covers. But she'd never.

She doesn't know what to do. She wants to know why Nanny is crying. She wants to comfort Nanny and_ kill _whatever made her upset. She starts to think it was _her fault _for even wanting a glass of stupid warm milk in the first place. That gets a reaction out of Nanny. She speaks for the first time since she ran into the room.

"This was _never_ your fault darling. Don't you ever think that for one second" Her voice is harsh and thick and unlike the Nanny that Toph is used to. "It's my fault. It's all_ my fault."_

"No, it's not your fault." Toph says with child-like certainty.

"I never should have left you." Nanny says with a voice that is wistful and full of regret.

"You were only gone a little while, and you're back now." Toph assures. It seemed like the right think to say. But it sets Nanny off sobbing again.

Toph is alarmed and can't help but blurt out "Nanny, please stop crying. You're scaring me."

This succeeds when all other attempts to calm Nanny have failed. Nanny takes a few deep, shuddering breaths, wipes her face viciously, and opens the door. Toph had been leaning against the door so forcefully that she topples into the washroom. Nanny scoops her up and cuddles her and says "I am so sorry for frightening you Toph."

Nanny takes her back to bed and tucks her in, and scolds her for being up and about. For a brief moment, it seems like everything will go back to normal.

But then Nanny says "You know Toph, I think tomorrow I should like to teach you how to fight."

Toph has been nagging and cajoling Nanny to teach her some of her violence for the longest time. But instead of making her feel excited, Nanny's words fill her with a terrible sense of foreboding.

Nanny finally giving in on this...it feels like the end of something important.

-0-

* * *

notes:

Lovely wonderful readers! I've got nothing but love for all of you. So there is an avatar annotated site on tumblr that showed all the various firenation artefacts in the Bei Fong household (there are lots), and stipulated that the reason why Lao Bei Fong is so incredible and ridiculously rich could be sneaky trade with the firenation. I like this theory. It helps explains Lao's odd behaviour to Aang, the very secretive nature of the Bei Fongs and works well with the story. I've added it to my head canon.

on another note: I'm so sorry for the huge gap in updates. I'm coming to the end of my teaching block and will have a bit more time to write now. So yay! I'm working on the next stalking chapter at the moment and it will be up as soon as possible.

Til then...


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